If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
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I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
me refusing to leave twitter
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.