@The_Sculptress

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

You Might Also Like

@DanaSchwartzzz

I really hope the Tesla board doesn’t force out Elon Musk because that it 100% how we get a Green Goblin scenario

@UncleDuke1969

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

@cravin4

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

@captainkalvis

friend: so, things are going well?

Girlfriend: he’s so sweet

[she looks out the window to see me reaching down to pluck a flower]

Girlfriend: but sometimes I just-

[she looks back to see me, eating the flower I just pulled and inspecting another]

@mashyboo

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

@SlenderSherbet

When you’re naked on the bed with the curtains open and the window cleaner comes.

@allthenachos

We’re going to build a great wall to keep the inspirational tweets out.

And Facebook is going to pay for it.

Make Twitter Great Again.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: how competitive are you?

Me: not very

Interviewer: neither am I

Me: nice…but I’m less competitive