@The_Sculptress

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

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@imchriskelly

The government should pay for everyone to get massages on November 9th.

@andrewfalloon

My Dad is recovering from an operation. Mum went out and left a door slightly ajar.

My parents do not have a cat.

@Thynebear

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

@slimmy_shady

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

@TheAlexNevil

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

@BoomBoomBetty

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.