If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
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I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?