Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
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My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.