If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
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I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
WTF IS THAT!
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun