If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
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When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN