If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
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Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know