Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
If I stabbed someone with icicle, no one would find the murder weapon, because it melts. This thought is haunting me.
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did u fall from heaven bc so did satan
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
To back up his “every action has an equal and opposite reaction” theory, Newton should’ve released one simultaneously saying “no it doesn’t”
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
*reading note from son:
‘Can I borrow your car later?’
‘You spelled ‘wash’ wrong. But yes.’
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.