If I stabbed someone with icicle, no one would find the murder weapon, because it melts. This thought is haunting me.

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I never question my sanity, I’m afraid it will answer back.


No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. ūüôā

*later to thugs* They know too much.


*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?


Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your ‚Äúalways special‚ÄĚ cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight


Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.


If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.


I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…


Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.


*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*