@leshnevsky

If I stabbed someone with icicle, no one would find the murder weapon, because it melts. This thought is haunting me.

You Might Also Like

@pinningnut

I never question my sanity, I’m afraid it will answer back.

@werehedgehog

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. ūüôā

*later to thugs* They know too much.

@jsaffle1

*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?

@tonyhawk

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your ‚Äúalways special‚ÄĚ cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

@SadPeruna

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

@TheHatdog

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

@Alex_N_Chains

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

@Lazer_Cat_

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*