[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
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*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.