If I stabbed someone with icicle, no one would find the murder weapon, because it melts. This thought is haunting me.

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Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.


I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.


Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]



To back up his “every action has an equal and opposite reaction” theory, Newton should’ve released one simultaneously saying “no it doesn’t”


I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away


*reading note from son:

‘Can I borrow your car later?’


‘You spelled ‘wash’ wrong. But yes.’


Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.