@Lisa_Laughs_

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

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@marebytes

Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won’t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that’s what’s been missing.

@BubbleNuggets2u

I could’ve sworn there was less grunting and moaning the last time I put these pants on…

Maybe the donut in my mouth muffled it

@Rayne__Man

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

@AndyRichter

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

@Smug_Lemur

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

@TweatingForTwo

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

@BunAndLeggings

4yo: we have a weed farm!

Lady:

Me: weedS in our yard

Lady: *rapidly walks away*

Me: MY KIDS DON’T GET HIGH

2yo: I get high *jumps*

@LaLuchaNix

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

@lazerdoov

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

@philyuck

ME: I’ll sleep on it.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok.
ME: So wrap it up. I’d like to sleep on it tonight.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the… ok.