The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
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Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Me: I’m sorry my intelligence intimidates you
Also me: *misspells banana
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Soccer mom:Is that apple organic?
SM: I hope you know the pesticides they spray on those will kill you.
Me:*slowly licks apple*
I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Me: I found a job!
Mom: That’s great! What is it?
Me: debt collection!
Me: I think you know why I’m calling.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.