If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

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The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them


Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.


Me: I’m sorry my intelligence intimidates you

Also me: *misspells banana


The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.


Soccer mom:Is that apple organic?
Me:No idea.
SM: I hope you know the pesticides they spray on those will kill you.
Me:*slowly licks apple*


I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.


Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.


Me: I found a job!

Mom: That’s great! What is it?

Me: debt collection!




Me: I think you know why I’m calling.


I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.