If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
You Might Also Like
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
me hooking up with my ex
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog