Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won’t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that’s what’s been missing.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
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I could’ve sworn there was less grunting and moaning the last time I put these pants on…
Maybe the donut in my mouth muffled it
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
4yo: we have a weed farm!
Me: weedS in our yard
Lady: *rapidly walks away*
Me: MY KIDS DON’T GET HIGH
2yo: I get high *jumps*
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
ME: I’ll sleep on it.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok.
ME: So wrap it up. I’d like to sleep on it tonight.
MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the… ok.