@FillWerrell

If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest damnit! KNEES TO CHEST

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@mickeza1

You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.

Are you raising an army for Mordor?

@twowitwowoo

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

@Danny_McH2O

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

@pilau

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

@iwearaonesie

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

@joeljeffrey

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

@3sunzzz

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

@RunOldMan

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

@jonnysun

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

@BlindChow

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT