If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest damnit! KNEES TO CHEST

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You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.

Are you raising an army for Mordor?


I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.


I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.


Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol


My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic


I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.


*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*


Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.


i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg



BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT