Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
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My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Is this a threat?
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Did my cat write this
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.