Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
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[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
subtitles are so good nowadays
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually