If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.

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Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”


I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.


Doing a low-budget but equally spiritually fulfilling version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled Gas Station, CVS, Return A Dress To Macy’s.


Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.


Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE


Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN


Sorry about your forehead…

…I thought that was clearly a high five moment.


ive decided that nudity is acceptable if irt’s done for artistic reasons, like, promoting a mattress store,


I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.


My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.