( • – •) /
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy
[30 mins later]
If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.
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100 million years ago there were no creationists.
[First Day As a Babysitter]
“Alexa, change the kid’s diaper”
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Him-You have the most beautiful lips.
Me-Wait…how do you know what my…..
Ohhhhh, you mean the lips in my Avi!
Yes, I know.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant