If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
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5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.