@Swishergirl24

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

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@Brianhopecomedy

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

@KateWhineHall

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

@WilliamAder

Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.

@Phil_Pagett

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

@ClichedOut

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

@IndecisiveJones

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

@TheHyyyype

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

@kamtweeting

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.