Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
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Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.