if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”