If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
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Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Good morning.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
*Seductively hides in the woods
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it