Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

#inspiration #foodforthought

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute