If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
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Maths meets science
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.