@ShrinkMedia

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

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@WheelTod

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

@ErinEph

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

@LuvPug

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

@MissHavisham

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

@HenpeckedHal

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

@junejuly12

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

@larasjeansong

parents: you were such a smart kid what happened??!?
me: your child died and was replaced by a lookalike; a conspiracy theory thread

@Darlainky

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!