@mommajessiec

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

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@kelly__le

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

@AnOrangeSNES

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

@UncleDuke1969

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

@Reverend_Scott

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

@LindseyEllison2

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

@HeyANow

Truth: My 85yr old grandmother’s answering machine says, “I’ll call you back when I want to, if I want to.”

Heroes are all around us.

@starwarsshirt

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

@TheToddWilliams

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?