If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
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me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.