@owlcity

If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.

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@DillDoes

[god inventing animals]
okay here’s a new one. It’s an umbrella
“okay”
made out of jello
“alright”
and it electrocutes things
“you’re drunk”

@thatdutchperson

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

@goldengateblond

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

@Schmoodles

Sometimes I see a baby and think “Aww, I want one!” Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think “Yeah, maybe I’m not ready.”

@AJemaineClement

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

@lazerdoov

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

@VerbsRProudest

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

@ClichedOut

Exec 1: We gotta improve our company image.
E2: Hey, let’s call customers at home.
E1: At dinner, on Sunday.
E2: But be pushy.
E1: Perfect.

@djdarrellripley

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

@leapeajo

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”