If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.

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[god inventing animals]
okay here’s a new one. It’s an umbrella
made out of jello
and it electrocutes things
“you’re drunk”


[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain


Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.


Sometimes I see a baby and think “Aww, I want one!” Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think “Yeah, maybe I’m not ready.”


Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.


Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog


I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.


Exec 1: We gotta improve our company image.
E2: Hey, let’s call customers at home.
E1: At dinner, on Sunday.
E2: But be pushy.
E1: Perfect.


Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…


“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”