@owlcity

If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.

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@FemmeEnFeu

A woman sold her bathwater for $50 a bottle and I’m absolutely disgusted because mine are only selling for $30.

@SondraDeeMe

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

@JoanBaileyy

Me: ” *types in password*, Password Doesn’t Work” ** OMG I’M HACKED**…. *oh wait… never mind, CAPS LOCK WAS ON..*

@glittergirlD43

Hey NSA… I accidentally deleted an email… Can I get you to forward me your copy?

@squirrel74wkgn

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

@ibid78

*throws up gang signs*
“Ew gross, I don’t remember eating that.”

@SardonicTart

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

@BoogTweets

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

@NewDadNotes

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

@Cali_Kid_Mike

“Love means never having to say your sorry.”

– someone who is very single