@FemmeEnFeu
A woman sold her bathwater for $50 a bottle and I’m absolutely disgusted because mine are only selling for $30.
@owlcity
If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.
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@FemmeEnFeu
@SondraDeeMe
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
@JoanBaileyy
Me: ” *types in password*, Password Doesn’t Work” ** OMG I’M HACKED**…. *oh wait… never mind, CAPS LOCK WAS ON..*
@glittergirlD43
Hey NSA… I accidentally deleted an email… Can I get you to forward me your copy?
@squirrel74wkgn
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
@ibid78
*throws up gang signs*
“Ew gross, I don’t remember eating that.”
@SardonicTart
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
@BoogTweets
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
@NewDadNotes
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
@Cali_Kid_Mike
“Love means never having to say your sorry.”
– someone who is very single