“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
You Might Also Like
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.