ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
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Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean