“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
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Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I unironically love this joke.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again