If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
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Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!