Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
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Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.