if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
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I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy