@ericarhodes

If I was a fashion designer Id call myself “who” so when celebs are asked who are they wearing they can say “Who?” “Yes who?” “Yes.”

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@squirrel74wkgn

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

@T_Bonezzz_

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

@UncleDuke1969

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

@BoweKnows

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

@Papa_Mex

I call McDonald’s to make a reservation for Valentine’s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone

@E_lok44

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

@AnkCoupleTO

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

@Cheeseboy22

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

@Wames_Jaters

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters