If I was a fashion designer Id call myself “who” so when celebs are asked who are they wearing they can say “Who?” “Yes who?” “Yes.”
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[at movie theatre]
Me (whispers): …it
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I call McDonald’s to make a reservation for Valentine’s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!