Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
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WTF IS THAT!
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
no cat here
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.