Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
If I was a funeral director, I’d tell everyone “I’ll see you later” & then wink, because it’s fun to freak people out.
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my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
me: come back to my place?
me: it’s not haunted
me: no ghosts
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday