@TheMichaelRock
According to these Father’s Day gift sections, all dads are clean shaven business men that love playing golf and think they’re #1.
@rmfnord
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
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@TheMichaelRock
@DevilryFun
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
@PearlsFromMyrna
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
@goldengateblond
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
@Try2StopME
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
@Sarcasticsapien
So many people are worried that The Walking Dead could happen and I’m over here terrified that Idiocracy is actually happening.
@Ivsy01
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
@TheAlexNevil
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
@Home_Halfway
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
@AverageClo
Why do people say “To be frank…” when they’re about to be brutally honest?
WHAT IF FRANK LIED!?
WHAT IF I WANT TO BE MARLENE!?