If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
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Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.