There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
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ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking please keep your seatbelt on as we–OH MY GOD [plane flies into a giant baby mouth]
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
To punish me, my 2yr old shuts herself in her room. She can shut, but not open, doors. She ends up trapped in a self-imposed timeout. #irony
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.
HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
1.) Win the lottery
2.) Fill a swimming pool with Diet Coke
3.) Hire people to throw Mentos in there the whole time I swam