@rmfnord: If I was a ghost, I'd write "Happy Birthday" in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it's still your birthday.
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@liv_thatsme: Listen, if I have to spend $14 for a movie ticket, I expect you to pause the movie when I have to go to the bathroom.
@Gre_Gone: [Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor] Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself. Wife: Me: Will you ki Wife: I'm not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
@InternetHippo: [genie emerges from his lamp] Master, what is thy— [he sees me on the bed pointing at the remote like 3ft away] Are u kidding me