@rmfnord: If I was a ghost, I'd write "Happy Birthday" in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it's still your birthday.
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@jollyrobber: AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
@ehchino: "What is your reason for divorce?" She pronounces 'Kansas' like the second part of 'Arkansas'
@SirEviscerate: ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and- HER: You mean your underwear? *The fabric of the universe starts to tear* ME: You fool! What have you done?!