@rmfnord

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

You Might Also Like

@TheMichaelRock

According to these Father’s Day gift sections, all dads are clean shaven business men that love playing golf and think they’re #1.

@DevilryFun

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

@PearlsFromMyrna

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

@goldengateblond

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

@Try2StopME

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

@Sarcasticsapien

So many people are worried that The Walking Dead could happen and I’m over here terrified that Idiocracy is actually happening.

@Ivsy01

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

@Home_Halfway

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

@AverageClo

Why do people say “To be frank…” when they’re about to be brutally honest?

WHAT IF FRANK LIED!?

WHAT IF I WANT TO BE MARLENE!?