If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
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MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…