@Pierre__4

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

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@david8hughes

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

@WouldbeAllen

JACOB MARLEY: 3 ghosts will visit you!
ME: do u count?
JM: what
ME: you’re a ghost. Do u count?
JM: dude this the kinda shit they don’t like

@stillwondering1

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

@ehdannyboy

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

@cupcakelynda

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

@English_Channel

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

@theshamingofjay

2065

*puts cell phone in radiation free charging box*

“You know we used to sleep with these right by our heads”

3 eyed grandson “really?”

@Storminika

The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.

@MattchooFitz

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]