How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
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JACOB MARLEY: 3 ghosts will visit you!
ME: do u count?
ME: you’re a ghost. Do u count?
JM: dude this the kinda shit they don’t like
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
[throws bread to a duck]
Duck: I have a boyfriend
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
*puts cell phone in radiation free charging box*
“You know we used to sleep with these right by our heads”
3 eyed grandson “really?”
The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]