I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
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If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys
[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
You hurt the feelings of a person who was once the crush of a person who was once a friend of mine so you’re a BAD person.
~ internet logic
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Fencing proves that with enough rules even a sword fight can be boring as hell.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold