If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

You Might Also Like


I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…


If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic


[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?


me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is


Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.


You hurt the feelings of a person who was once the crush of a person who was once a friend of mine so you’re a BAD person.

~ internet logic


*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*


Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’


Fencing proves that with enough rules even a sword fight can be boring as hell.


Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold