@Pierre__4

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

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@jordan_stratton

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

@weismanjake

If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic

@ArfMeasures

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

@mrjohndarby

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

@junejuly12

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

@ShoutingGoddess

You hurt the feelings of a person who was once the crush of a person who was once a friend of mine so you’re a BAD person.

~ internet logic

@junejuly12

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

@steph_the_twit

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

@SamuelHLowe

Fencing proves that with enough rules even a sword fight can be boring as hell.

@JediGigi

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold