Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
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Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Wrong answers only
Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I’m pissed off about it.
BREAKING: President Obama shows solidarity with victims in war-torn countries by posting another selfie with celebrities.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways