@adam_bloomquist

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

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@VaguelyFunnyDan

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

@TheBoydP

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

@MsNitnots

Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I’m pissed off about it.

@Jeff_Ross_MD

BREAKING: President Obama shows solidarity with victims in war-torn countries by posting another selfie with celebrities.

@fro_vo

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

@TheAlexP

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

@Gupton68

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

@DaddyJew

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways