[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
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Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
We need more people like this.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.