[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
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ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
My IQ? With google or without?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
yep, everyone’s life is still better than mine
ah yes. my fellow trash bretheren.
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking