If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

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[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you


ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day


I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..


Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.


*opens instagram*

yep, everyone’s life is still better than mine

*closes instagram*

*opens twitter*

ah yes. my fellow trash bretheren.


6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking