@SadPeruna

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

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@markedly

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

@sweetandweak

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

@AlmightyBored

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

@Rollinintheseat

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

@Bagyants

Power Rangers taught me that the way to solve a problem is to pose in front of it aggressively until it explodes

@Alex_N_Chains

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

@brendohare

A nation cheers as Bigfoot is finally found. “We just yelled his name,” said the head explorer. “Can’t believe no one thought of that.”

@Brampersandon_

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

@daniel_shaw

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”