Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
You Might Also Like
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.
I’m a bus driver