If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

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