If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
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My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
This story is comedy gold 😂
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Love this guy