If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
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50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.