If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
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Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
this is the news I live for
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women