If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
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Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
How to properly lift a body
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
The pasta is now
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.