(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
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Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”