If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
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GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I already tried new things thanks.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.