If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
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Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.