[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
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I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Sorry not sorry.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.