If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
You Might Also Like
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China