If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
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WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
british sex workers really pound for pound
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart