If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
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Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America