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Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.