if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
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My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.