@koalaslament

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

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@geekysteven

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

@Shwetangles

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

@cupcakelynda

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

@English_Channel

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

@robin_991

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

@SimbaShaz

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

@thenatewolf

*on a first date*

Me: [remembering how my friend said women like mysterious men] my favorite color is a secret