if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

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Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.


Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.


With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.


When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori


H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.


Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g


*on a first date*

Me: [remembering how my friend said women like mysterious men] my favorite color is a secret