If I was ever on Jeopardy I would call Trebek the wrong name like I’d never heard of him. “I’ll take Beauty Pageants for 400, Jason.”

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[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-


Facebook post : only a heartless person could scroll pa

Me: *Scrolls Past *


– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”


The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.


The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day


I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.


-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful


met ariana grande today, didn’t have a pen and paper so i had her sign my notes


*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*