Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
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Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister