@tristandross

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

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@nikkithecanuck

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver

@daddydoubts

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

@FreudsTwin

Rather than Anti-psychotic drugs, I prefer a more friendlier tone like Pro-sanity pills.

@Tups13

Researcher: We’d like you to be part of a focus group.
Me [squinting terribly]: Who said that?

@junejuly12

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

@shadonium

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

@JuliaChildCIA

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

@ghostkrogh

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

@Brampersandon_

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

@TheTweetOfGod

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.