Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
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Me: goodnight son I love you.
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Rather than Anti-psychotic drugs, I prefer a more friendlier tone like Pro-sanity pills.
Researcher: We’d like you to be part of a focus group.
Me [squinting terribly]: Who said that?
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Her: Show me your pics
Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.