Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
You Might Also Like
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
bugs when you lift up a rock
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
let’s discuss
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue